finally, after a long week of toiling away at school, it’s back to the monotony of the weekend. have been in the library most of the morning and got most of my work done. and by that, i look at my work ponderously while mentally willing it to progress. for a good three hours.

it’s football game day again. can’t say i care that much. i mean, excited that i can hear the game from my room but beyond that, no venturing for me. my sport fan self is sitting here typing this blog entry afterall. 

resolution #2 for my birthday - drink less when go out. or don’t go out at all. drank way too much yesterday and was legitimately inebriated to an extent. that will never happen again. i know i wasn’t judged for it or anything - we are in college children, this happens every weekend for some people - but i can’t seem to be able to live it down. granted, i put myself to bed pretty early on in the night so i wouldn’t make a bigger fool of myself staying out but enough people were wondering if i was okay this morning for me to worry about how i had actually looked to everyone else. 

it’s just not what i want to look like to other people i guess. maybe i’m just too vain.

philosophically, i shouldn’t care about how other people see me. so i should just have fun on my own terms. is anything really ever on my own terms though?

do i have any say in my own life?

it’s about one in the afternoon - the perfect time for lunch. and where am i? sitting in the library reading an endless article on one very archaic abbot suger while pining after greasy food as scent particles from the mcdonalds bag on the table next to me float over, almost mockingly.

it is but a tormentous life i lead.

technically, i did tell myself that i would go to yoga today, at around noon. and as we can all cleverly deduce by now, that did not happen - i am neither calm nor content. my inner peace has ran away from me a long time ago, at around the beginning of freshman year, and it may have threatened to stay away until retirement.

i know it can’t be good for me to be in a perpetual state of agitation - i freaked out on my birthday for goodness sakes - but i guess it’s all apart of my inner modus operandi. it is in my firm belief that i was just not meant to be calm but not completely serious in my high-strung life either.

as i see it now, being calm in the 21st century is just not a feasible way of life. in college, if you’re not stressed out about something and letting the world know about it, you are a slacker. or a genius, i suppose. the latter option is rarely referred to as everyone is supposedly ridiculously smart at this institution and to imply that you are even smarter than the cream of the crop is to imply that you are one in a billion. frankly, at such a prestigious research institution, we simply do not believe in such ridiculous odds. the engineers can probably prove that statement algebraically and numerically.

then comes after university. if you are not stressed out about your life, you are going nowhere. it is simply not okay to be happy with where you are. if you are a CEO, you should be concerned with your moral compass, or the lack there of. if you are a millionaire, you should be preoccupied with your ecological footprint. and if you somewhere along the lines of a flounder in the social spectrum, you should be generally worried about the rest of your life. and you thought the search for well-roundedness ended after you send in your college application? think again, my dear friend.

classes end at around 5:40 this afternoon and i have another meeting at 6 followed by practice either at 7 or 7:30 depending on which sport i decide to partake in before i collapse for the night. somewhere between practice and falling into bed, i have a policy memo draft to finish and another 40 something pages to read on art history. can deduce now that the latter will probably not happen.

tomorrow’s schedule is not much better really. BUH.

hello. if anyone is even reading this.

it’s true. it’s my birthday. and what am i doing on this momentous anniversary of my birth? sitting in the library doing my readings for next week and hiding out from the general debauchery that is taking over the rest of campus. something about a new football coach revitalizing our depressing status in the all-american sport has gotten the school all riled up. so much so that tailgate is now on the main part of campus.

granted, it is suppose to be the alternative to the usual drunken mess that is tailgate, i swear i could smell beer on the way out of my dorm.

everyone has been asking me all day what my plans were for this aging business and honestly, i have nothing planned. last year, the freshmen feeling kind of took over and i was too precarious to have an actual birthday party but now that i’m settled in somewhat to my surroundings, i still have no idea what to do.

feel like it’s just not the same to have a party here. i don’t get presents and there aren’t all that many options for celebration. going out? nope, not legal yet in the us of a. frat party? really?! for my birthday?! no thank you. cheap american beer is really not up my to standards. think i’ve gotten so subconciously scared of that question of “what are you doing for your birthday?” that i have resulted to hiding out in the library, doing my homework.

what a depressing development.

while everyone else is still at home enjoying the joys of summer, i’m already back at school helping out with orientation. although i am glad that i got to move in early and all that jazz - to beat the general rush that is bound to ensue later on in the week - there are times, like the present, when i would much rather be at home relaxing to the gloriousness of vancouver.

can’t decide if i’ve had a good start to the year so far… not everything has gone as planned, but that seems to be like the case for me whenever i start anything. so i guess i’ll have to wait and see.

someone has said that this could be the terrible twos. maybe?

had a pretty random afternoon today. roamed around downtown with a friend to enjoy the last bits of home - walked all the way from downtown to my glorious granville island then around 4th.

can’t believe how gorgeous north american men are. after two months of mullets and murses, the rough around the edges, short hair thing is looking very good. not going to lie. perhaps they are not as nicely dressed -  t-shirts and shorts hardly classify as haute couture - but dang, they all look pretty good.

especially the one gorgeous barista in cafe artigiano downtown with the curly long hair, blue eyes, winning smile, and tattoos. there’s nothing like a non-mulleted man who can make me good coffee and offered me extra caffeination. completely got caught gawking when he asked me something and i completely blanked out. it was really a simple question but when faced with clear blue eyes, my processing capacity kind of overloaded and jammed. will definitely have to find a reason to go back and stare some more…

perhaps i have found my true love? with two more days left in my favourite city.

just goes to show how important looks are in the world. true, it is superficial and kind of ridiculous but it is true. especially as seen from the case of the russian nation. the way i see it, its only true to the gender equality trend if we judge men from their outfits as they do with us.

perhaps it’s high time i started a new category… mouture. male couture.

lesson #1 - a haircut makes all the difference
although most of us think that the necessity of a good coiffure only applies to the female gender (as we are the ones with the most hair), a good haircut can make all the difference for a guy too.

first things first - a mullet is not okay. don’t mind what the russians tell you, dima bilan is only famous in europe for a reason. no north american girl cares for the business in the front and party in the back. we beg you - pick one! there is a reason why it’s called a kentucky waterfall (and think, how good is the kentucky stereotype?). the cristiano renaldo is kind of acceptable, but only if you look as good as him as it is quite on the line between metro and plain bad.

we are more than willing to accept that awkward look that all guys seem to take on right after haircuts… as long as you get a decent one. few men look good with long hair, so unless you look something like taylor kitsch that style is completely vetoed. of course, if you are going for the metallica look, you’ll attract a certain type of girl that likes that, so the previous statement is null and void.

regardless of your hairstyle though, whatever you decide on, please keep your hair clean. we don’t mind too much what you do with the growth on the top of your head as long as it’s clean. you don’t even really have to brush your hair (especially if that goes against the carefully created bedhead look you like so much), please just wash it. often.

i think i am speaking, with love, for most girls - we’d really appreciate the effort.

with three shots of espresso running through my veins, now would be as good of a time as any to continue on this lovely blog of mine that i seem to have neglected for a while.

got home from russia last week and am leaving for montreal next week. currently thinking that it was a horrible idea for me to help with orientation. next year, definitely going back to school the last possible minute. only two weeks to spend with friends at home seems a little short. granted, have already been home for a month-ish before the trip so maybe not?

russia was definitely worth all the trouble though. got to live somewhere completely foreign for a couple of months and settle into something so completely different. mullets became a possible fact of life along with murses… and public drinking. go to deal with foreign children for 10 days and realize my capacity for communication through gestures. it’s funny how much of communication actually has nothing to do with language - i could understand numerous children without quite understanding a single thing they are saying. miracles of the human existence. also on the other side of the world, i managed to meet a someone that i actually got along with another half a world away.

ridiculous, but true.

can’t even quite decide, at this point, if i actually like(d) said boy or not. perhaps it’s more of a relief that there is SOMEONE out there that i can get along with and the fact that he was the first decent looking english speaker after a month of being surrounded but mulleted, creeper russian men. who knows. i guess there’s something about his carefree attitude that’s refreshing. definitely going along with my tendency to like boys run on completely different metrics - the non-asian relaxed one. doesn’t help that he’s all the way out down under though… why do i even care? definitely time to move on and find someone else that i can get along with that’s not all the way out there.

thinking about something else… christian bale is seriously the most gorgeous man alive. no matter that hes like some 15 years older than me but oh my dear lord. batman is so much more baller than superman. black cape, padding, and sexy low voice.

not usually the type to have the damsel complex but would not mind being saved by that man.

being home making me kind of stressed though. reality comes crashing down whenever i’m at home. mom’s emphasizing the need for me to find an internship next summer at some important firm and i’m spazzing out about the fact that my future is not going anywhere while all the expenses are mounting from the required books. all the henning with my friends doesn’t help much either. feeling the need to whore myself out to some networking thing in order to make up for the lack of familial connections to ridiculously wealthy people and all the implied stress just really doesn’t help.

maybe this is the underlying anger that my friend was talking about that apparently all asian children have. all the expectations just kind of mount under the surface and there’s nothing we can do. escape through reading helps me and just overall not thinking about it but don’t think that classifies as dealing.

excuse me while i go into denial and watch tv.

ten days from leaving this country and i’m still not too sure what to say about my stay here really. have definitely learned a lot during the past month and 20 days - i now know how to say numerous random things in russian and how to navigate the city without really understanding what people are yelling at me. it’s quite the talent actually.

my non-exsistent filter has completely left me. since people don’t usually understand me, and the people i comment to have pretty much the same sense of humour… my judgementalness has rose to new levels in this countries. doesn’t help that this place is one of completely superficial representation of class and status though. how do you expect me not to say anything when russian people just have just an obscene tendency to do too much? girls running around in a walking city in 5 inch heels? i rest my case.

it’s truly ridiculous.

other than being completely judgemental, swear words have started to dominate my spoken language as well. guess it’s just something that starts up just because i can. the other english speakers i have encountered have not been nearly as entertained by my foul language as i have but what can i do? really can’t help it when i’m surrounded by a bunch of good friends of similar age. it’s just what uncultured youth do.

have reached that point when i just really want to go home. although the experience has been entertaining and educational, it’s time for me to head home. the apartment is getting a bit strange since one of the roommates have decided that she needs to keep the interactions cordial since everyone’s getting annoyed at her and it’s bothering me even more because i’m not that much of a petty girl about something so small like that.

yep, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, yours truly is currently on the other side of the universe in st.petersburg. what am i doing here you ask? i’m not sure if i quite have an answer to that question myself…

so far the experience has been interesting. to say the least. although there are times when i wish i had taken up a job closer to home so i can enjoy the comforts of my own home, i am reminded of the act that my school is funding these two months in this country that i will probably never come back to and it’s all going to somehow culminate in a betterment of me as a person overall. afterall, i am in a country that i would never otherwise visit on my own and have been forced into learning a language that is pretty much impossible that i would not otherwise pursue on my own.

really, i’m just adding to the collection of useless, “worldly” things that i know. the random collection of things that i think/hope i may use later on in life but that continues to look more and more ridiculous and irrelevant as time passes. seriously, what percentage of the world’s population really function on the russian language other than the ex-soviet nations?

regardless, i am here in this city built on swamps and i don’t really know how i feel about this place. sure, i like it well enough but there’s is just something off about this place. some say it’s because it’s an “unnatural city” that peter the great built on a swamp simply to exercise the extent of his might and others say it’s due to the homogeneous architecture that makes this city more bland than its culturalscape actually is. i think it’s a combination of both… and perhaps along with the fact that i have another month here with nothing to do. this entire experience is based off an attempt at getting university students involved in the rest of the world beyond north america and serve as helpful global citizens but truthfully, the local university where i am tutoring english has no actual use for us and is shutting down for the month of july. what purpose do i then serve here?!

supposed to go to some children’s camp to teach english in a few days and perhaps they will have more use for me?

never change.

like my mother’s tendency to lecture me incessantly about things that are “beneficial to my life”. yes, lecture. the woman should really be a professor for life.

the woman is hell bent on me rushing for a sorority at school. well actually, she thinks that such things are equivalent to exclusive all-girls clubs at college that are also great networking opportunities. yes, although i agree with the latter option, i still don’t quite agree with the need for me to join one.

1. i already missed the main rush time for freshmen girls and it would be plain embarrassing, not to mention awkward, for me to rush this time around without a legitimate reason with the people that are an entier year younger than me.

2. as much as they are pretty much “sisterhoods” of different varieties, there isn’t really one that suits me well on campus. there are some that are meant for such organizations and there are some that are not… as you can guess, i classify myself in the second group

3. it seems like all the sorority girls drink like no other. i know there are some who don’t but truly, all of the events/mixers that the girls are put through are much too awkward without alcoholic involvement. although it’s true that alcohol is the social lubricant of choice in college, i just really don’t think it should be a crucial aspect to social life overall. i’m not a party girl and all that drinking is just really not my thing.

4. i just don’t want to… don’t feel like it’s my thing.

5. most of my friends - in other words, all except for two - are not in sororities, so it would be kind of random for me to decide to rush out of sync with everyone else.

6. all the sororities have mixers and i just don’t feel like braving guys to find dates for such functions. i suppose it would be a good place to meet guys but none of the frat stars at school are proving to be far from the stereotype…

don’t really know what else to say other than the fact that i don’t think the greek life is really my scene. not too sure how to communicate that to the mother without sounding like i’m being presumptuous (and i guess in a way i am)… and i guess on top of everything, the peak time is over and it would be just awkward for me to rush this time around.

maybe i should try to informally attempt to join the one that i would think would fit me best?

i guess it’s about time for me to re-evaluate the past year - my freshman year. (no, that does not mean that i have actually come to terms with the fact that my high school graduation has already come and gone)

figured now that i’ve packed up and stored all of my stuff then gotten over the major freak out that resulted from having to spend the night in a bare/empty room; gotten my fill of wonderful vancouver; and calmed down somewhat from the fact that freshman year is over, it’s about time that i looked back on my first year of university with some maturity and speculation.

it was supposed to be this amazing year of epiphanies and self-discovery that marks the start of yet another phase in my life. yes, it was definitely the start of a very different bit of my life but i don’t know how much self-discovery actually took place during the year. i mean like yes i figured out that papers are hell to put up with because they take forever to write and even longer to decide whether or not i should hand it in or mull over it some more, but i don’t think that’s all that important in the grand scheme of life.

i did figure out how much i can drink, what i kind of want to do in life, make some friends that i am definitely glad to have met, and got a general idea of what i’m somewhat interested in. sure political science is a good idea but the gpa may not be so pleasant… environmental science and policy would be a good idea in term of marks for law school, but we’ll see how that goes once i actually get some time in with the pre-law advisor. it could be fun - i am from a rather hippy, tree-loving city and the green culture is pretty much in my blood.

hurrah organics!

and that is why wholefoods absolutely adores me. and my wallet.

moving on. think it’s been a rather successful year. haven’t made THAT many friends but i think it’s just the way i am -  a good group of friends that are there for all the times in my life. think that’s enough. don’t know. had this weird moment the other day when i wanted something to do but there weren’t anyone around to come chill with me and even if all of my friends were home from university, there aren’t that many of them. had a minor panic and down turn but i realized that it’s just the way i am with life in general. self-discovery number one.

learned to appreciate my parents. not much to say about that other than i can actually feel myself maturing. enlightening but feels kind of weird all at the same time. not gonna lie.

i don’t know. it’s weird to sit down all at once and think over an entire year…

oh yah, i know NOTHING about guys. the private schooling did not help me in any way, shape, or form. the current object of my like, i don’t even know how to be friends with since he doesn’t respond normally to me - in the way that i would consider as “normal” anyway. my uber v-card is still very much intact… still in its plastic wrapper even. why do i even still care?! men just need to become more manageable. and the one that use to go to my gym needs to come back.

whatever. i need to go shower.